twenty fizzle thizzles...

25. I hate green peppers, and red peppers too.... they taste like poison to me... its not that they're spicy, it's that they're NASTY

24. I love the thought of being a wife and mommy full time, and being totally domestic... but I will do whatever I can to make sure my family is also financially stable, even if it means both me and my sweety are both working for awhile... it's not worth it to me to be deep in debt, just to fulfill that dream.

23. I am incredibly sensitive to smells, and get entirely grossed out by bad breath, and it unitentionally changes the way I feel about a person... which makes me mad at myself.

22. Though I have always considered myself a very loveable and well-liked person, God has recently been taking me from a million friends to a very select few, who affect me very much... which blesses my life more than I ever would have though possible.

21. I love cheese...

20. I love bright colors... and most of my closest friends prefer earth-tones and mute colors, so I am kind o f the odd one out, but thats okay, because I LOVE COLOR...

19. I <3>

18. I very rarely watch movies... it's very hard for me to sit still for long periods of time without having something else to do, like paint my nails or pause the movies every 20 minutes or so to go do something else for awhile.

17. I cannot WAIT to be a middle school or high school teacher... I have a feeling I am going to be exactly where God wants me, and it will make all this time in school worth it... each day I get to work with that level of students for my job, i feel more and more excited and glad I have chosen that path.

16. It's hard for me to sleep these days. Some night I just can't stop thinking about Geoff, and let my mind go places it really shouldn't...

15. I have sleep apnea, which is really embarassing for me because I have to sleep on a C-PAP machine... which I loathe.

14. I am afraid of the dark... really really afraid.

13. I love dressing up funky and going to Portland with my best friend... I wish I could dress like that all the time, but I just don't have the energy. LOL

12. I rarely like breakfast foods, ESPECIALLY not at breakfast time. I love to have something with substance for breakfast, like leftovers or chilli

11. I love to paint my nails and toenails, do facial masks and play with makeup. I guess I just never really grew out of that stuff.

10. I really love when people think I am funny9. My nephew means more to me then I ever thought possible... I have never loved anything or anyone the way I love Ethan...

8. Sometimes I really like milk.

7. I cuss. I don't do it alot, but I wasn't raised in a family that really cared about that kind of thing. Now it's something we realize is a problem, and try to work on... but I still do it.

6. I love camping and fishing... I deeply miss family camping trips, even though my parents would argue setting up the tent, and I'd wet my sleeping bag...

5. People kind of oogle at me going back to school and stuff right after Geoff died... truthfully, I don't know how I did it... but part of me is afraid if I wasn't in school I would have too much time on my hands to really think about the whole thing...

4. I am inspired be people who are passionate about things

3. I LOOOOVE snowboarding. I never thought I'd like it because I hated skiing so much, but I think it must have to do with my SMOKIN' hot teacher... and that I am finally "getting" it...

2. I hate insincerity... and can almost always cut right through it...

1. I am afraid I will always be "broken" from the death of my brother... that I will never cease to cry at anything and that hardship will always bring me down to a crying puddle of goo.

life's a dance you learn as you go... sometime you lead, sometimes you follow.

Well, my family and I made it through one year since Geoff let go of our hands and grasped Gods... January 24th marked the first year, and most of us wished we could have gone back a year and taken the "us" from last year, and put them in a protective bubble. We had no idea, last year, what was about to turn our world upside down, and start shaking it.
Had I known, I am not sure what I would have done, but I know it woulda been extreme. The idea of life without my big, strong, lovable brother was the hardest thing I could ever imagine, and now that its come to fruition, a lot has changed.
One of the after affects of this tragedy has been an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. When I expressed this feeling to a woman I consider one of my mentors, the conversation went like this:

Me: How do I deal with these feelings of hopelessness?

Her: Explain what you mean?

Me: I guess it comes in waves, but all too often I am struck by the pain and problems that come with life... like I am afraid for my relationship with Justin, 'cause what if he dies soon? I always wanted to have kids, but what if one of my kids dies young?? And don't even get me started on if Webster (my beloved Corgi dog) dies...I just feel like no matter what, I am doomed to live a life that's stained by the blood of people I love...

Her: All of those are very real things, and some of them will happen... seriously... but you can't let that affect your decisions...

Me: How can I not?? How could I ever live through that kind of pain...

Her: Do you remember when we first met, and we talked about how your greatest fear in life, was something happening to Geoff... how you really struggled in your prayer life, but would pray to God to keep him safe more than you prayed anything else?...you survived. You survived what was honestly the hardest possible thing you could imagine. It hasn't been easy, but we serve a God who will carry us through even the hardest of situations. You can't spend your life in fear of what's to come, you heave to realize that anything you deal with, God will bring you through it one day at a time, and that's all we can really know.

After that time, I have really not struggled as terribly with those feelings... I guess my point to writing this is to share that truth with the masses (aka, the 4 of you that read this). Not matter what we are afraid of, what we feel we will never survive, or the hard roads to come, God is capable of infinitely more than we can comprehend(thank goodness for me of little faith) and regardless of the circumstance, He truly can and will carry us when we feel we cannot go on.
Even if I rarely feel I practice this truth, I can truly cast ALL my pain and fear onto God, and when I feel it's too much to bear, He'll carry the entire bundle.

Phew... I know this is a very "elementary" Christian principle, but keep in mind, I wasn't a Christian at the "elementary" phases in my life... and I imagine I'd be hard pressed to find many Christians who truly grasp this concept on a regular basis.

'nough said.

surrender

I surrender it, Lord

Again on my knees.

I cry out aloud to One I'll never understand.

I was always so friendly,

I wanted the best.

Always torn by other pain but safe in my bubble.

But in times of strife it hurts to see your true colors.

My heart was ripped open.

Expesed to the world

Like a toddler, stumbling and falling I reached.

No one was there.

Where were the people

Upon who I'd relied?

Why were the absent from each tear a cried.

I never quite knew,

Until days turned to weeks.

I stood, empty, open, bare.

I reached for One I rarely rely on.

I talk out my problems,

But never in prayer.

To those I am close to,

A parent, a friend.

God pulled them out of the picture,

Then took my best friend.

In the time of struggle,

I could ONLY talk to Him.

A lesson so stunning,

I'll never forget.

Blessed is the name of the Lord, who gives and takes away.

23 Credits... and yet, a blog...this one hurt.

I took 23 credits this term... every time I tell people they like bug out their eyes in shock and usually say something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh... 23?? How can you even DO that?!?"...

Easy. You register for classes at your full time college, and then fill in any lower-division classes at your trusty local community college (which, btw, is like SHS(my high school) with ash trays...) The trick is, don't buy all that "dual enrollment" bologna they feed you. If you really want to overload your schedule(and you're sure the community college classes directly transfer over) just go both places, and TA DA.. 23 credits. It's pretty intimidating, to be honest. I have like hundreds of pages of reading each night, but lucky for me, I don't do any of it... so it never really bugs me much.

Ok, I do SOME school work. I write papers, read Cliff Notes and such. And when I say Cliff Notes I don't mean like just the summary of the work, I mean the summary, some of the analysis and even the character write-ups. I guess you could call me a diligent student ))I wonder how much time I am actually saving...((

Why would an able-bodied individual such as myself choose to overload to this extent... well, frick it, I wanna graduate. I am SO ready to finish at school (and then start grad school elsewhere) because I guess I have the romantic notion that after I have my BA I might be a human being, and stop being a "college student". Like I said, it's a NOTION... and entirely inaccurate, considering I'm planning on getting my MAT(Masters of Arts in Teaching) directly following my graduation this year.

I guess my current university is an institution which represents some really awful times in my life. Although I have a FEW good memories there, I also have some deeply real and painful associations with it, too...

It was the place where I realize how truly hurtful people can be, for no reason.

Where I was first shown that some people truly ARE evil, and will use any way possible to stab the soft underbelly of a seemingly innocent, tender and naive creature.

I was introduce to the idea, for the first time, that people might not always like me.

I dealt with my first heartbreak there, and however insignificant it was, I was deeply hurt by it.

I was used, and hurt, and mistreated...

But the hardest part about the place wasn't from years past, it was from recently.

On a Thursday night last January, I was in my bedroom of a small apartment I shared with a dear friend, down the road from campus. My room mate was at work, and I was just futzing around doing anything but school work. I got a call from my dad(Pip) that would inevitably change my life. "Are you sitting down?" he said..

"Why??"

"Just please be sitting down"

"Ok, ok..." I sighed as I crouched down onto my blue exercise ball, I knew it wasn't good, but I had no idea how truly bad it would be.

"Geoff had an accident... he was hiking today and fell, and they haven't gotten him yet, but it doesn't look good."

"Wait WHAT???" as the words sunk in they turned my blood to ice... stunned, I am not sure how I responded or how the conversation ended, but I hung up the phone and began to scream. I screamed from pain, I wailed from shock... I didn't know what to do as I simultaneously switched positions in a strange rotating dance of sorrow. Crouched on the ground, my arms squeezed tight and clenching every muscle I could, I screamed. Extended to standing, arms outstretched and head facing Heaven, I howled... my body ceased to be controlled, and began to react in ways you never quite see in movies. It hurt to much to consider the possibilities...

For years leading up to this day, when asked about my "biggest fear" it was always that something would happen to my brother... my hero... My head pounded with words that would haunt me.

"...but it doesn't look good."

blog blog blogitty blog... (does blogitty have two "t"'s? seems like it should... and it's not even a word...)

A blog... why the frick would I make a blog? I guess partially if I want to be honest, which I do, I wanted to create an account so I could "support" a dear friends bloggity blog (now that spelling seems right... bloggity...) and then I began to think about it...

))insert dream bubble and twinkly music((

Question: Will I post the deepest workings of my innermost being, on the Internet where they will be read and then dissected like a squid by peers and strangers alike?

Answer: No... I suppose if I write anything, chances are high that it will be surface and borderline ridiculous, and who in their right mind will purposefully search for MY blog?? I suppose that arguments been rebutted...

Question: What if my English major friends DO stumble across this sparkly gem, by some cruel mistake, and see how deliciously careless I am with spelling and punctuation while posting things online, and they, in turn, report me to WOU as a fraud in the eyes of English majors everywhere... I would be mocked and remembered only briefly when my literary carelessness is posted on someones MySpace as a playful reminder of the foolishness of ::that one girl::...

Answer: That's ridiculous... who in their right mind has that kind of free time... get over yourself and BLOG

::::: REMOVE ESSENCE OF DREAMINESS AND RETURN TO REAL TIME:::::

With that said, I decided to make a blog. The idea of writing things out has always intrigued me, however my lack of time away from my computer screen has made It rather difficult, and I was never one to have a "Diary" document where I post my deepest thoughts, daily happenings, etc... so here I sit... blogging. Will their be a point? Rarely... Do I excessively use commas where their not necessary and forget them where they are necessary? Always... Will I maintain consistency in my quest to begin this new "blogging" chapter of my life? Doubtfulll.... I rarely stick with things like this that begin as such a brilliant idea.

If it's still worth reading, you're probably one of those people who loves me regardless of my ridiculousness, and I want you to know that I love you...