life's a dance you learn as you go... sometime you lead, sometimes you follow.

Well, my family and I made it through one year since Geoff let go of our hands and grasped Gods... January 24th marked the first year, and most of us wished we could have gone back a year and taken the "us" from last year, and put them in a protective bubble. We had no idea, last year, what was about to turn our world upside down, and start shaking it.
Had I known, I am not sure what I would have done, but I know it woulda been extreme. The idea of life without my big, strong, lovable brother was the hardest thing I could ever imagine, and now that its come to fruition, a lot has changed.
One of the after affects of this tragedy has been an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. When I expressed this feeling to a woman I consider one of my mentors, the conversation went like this:

Me: How do I deal with these feelings of hopelessness?

Her: Explain what you mean?

Me: I guess it comes in waves, but all too often I am struck by the pain and problems that come with life... like I am afraid for my relationship with Justin, 'cause what if he dies soon? I always wanted to have kids, but what if one of my kids dies young?? And don't even get me started on if Webster (my beloved Corgi dog) dies...I just feel like no matter what, I am doomed to live a life that's stained by the blood of people I love...

Her: All of those are very real things, and some of them will happen... seriously... but you can't let that affect your decisions...

Me: How can I not?? How could I ever live through that kind of pain...

Her: Do you remember when we first met, and we talked about how your greatest fear in life, was something happening to Geoff... how you really struggled in your prayer life, but would pray to God to keep him safe more than you prayed anything else?...you survived. You survived what was honestly the hardest possible thing you could imagine. It hasn't been easy, but we serve a God who will carry us through even the hardest of situations. You can't spend your life in fear of what's to come, you heave to realize that anything you deal with, God will bring you through it one day at a time, and that's all we can really know.

After that time, I have really not struggled as terribly with those feelings... I guess my point to writing this is to share that truth with the masses (aka, the 4 of you that read this). Not matter what we are afraid of, what we feel we will never survive, or the hard roads to come, God is capable of infinitely more than we can comprehend(thank goodness for me of little faith) and regardless of the circumstance, He truly can and will carry us when we feel we cannot go on.
Even if I rarely feel I practice this truth, I can truly cast ALL my pain and fear onto God, and when I feel it's too much to bear, He'll carry the entire bundle.

Phew... I know this is a very "elementary" Christian principle, but keep in mind, I wasn't a Christian at the "elementary" phases in my life... and I imagine I'd be hard pressed to find many Christians who truly grasp this concept on a regular basis.

'nough said.